No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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