another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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