Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
