Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
