I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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