why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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