Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
