Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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