You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
