you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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