She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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