The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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