dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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