So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
