I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
she told me i tasted like america
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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