I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
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What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
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Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.