I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
and you fell through a lawn chair
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.