When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.