Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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