I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
