when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
