I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
