Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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