Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
