Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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