I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
