as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
