Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
