Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
