so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
