It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
