I swear god or herbie drove my car home
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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