mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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