There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
