I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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