my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Is it penis luge time yet?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
