My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
