So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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