it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
