I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Randomize
