I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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