Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
