It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
