Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
