What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
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Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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