You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
