I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
