you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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