I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
