dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
