Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
not ubering you a puppy
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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