Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
