So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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