There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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