Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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