I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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