thus making me awesome and them whores
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
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Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
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It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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