remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
