i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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