it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We don't watch enough power rangers
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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