3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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