I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
