so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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