He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
FUCK WHALES
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
