I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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