4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
