One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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