Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
