It's Friday. Sex?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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