I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
