it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
